One of the very important lessons God is helping me learn since I received the baptism of the holy Ghost (with the evidence of speaking in other tongues), is "who my family is." I have found that now I have two families - an earthly, and a spiritual family. Only one family will last - only one family can satisfy my inner longing to love, and be loved, and that one is my family in the Lord. It seems as if the holiday season (the traditional times of Thanksgiving and Christmas as we know them here in America) brings with it more separation. A separation from my earthly family which does not know God - and more of a fellowship with my spiritual family (those who have the same holy Ghost that I do). And I thank God for it. Not for the separation from my earthly family, but for the peace and for the truth that comes with knowing who my family really is.

This year, my experiences with my earthly family were especially painful for me, as I realize the gap is widening ever greater between us. I wanted to share some E-mails which I sent to my earthly family members (and those sent back to me), in hopes that it would encourage any readers who might love God, be Spirit-filled, and face the same sort of spiritual challenges. I am hoping to find "fellowship" in this present truth, with my brothers and sisters in the Lord who love the lessons and the results of walking in the Spirit as much as I do.

With that, here is my first E-mail to my mother and her husband (Doug, who actually is my step-father), regarding a disappointing Thanksgiving we spent at their home recently:

Dear Doug and Mom;

Thanks for having us over for turkey dinner the other day. I must admit though, that I didn't feel better when I left than I did before I got there. The only relief I felt was in my belly, not in my heart. I would so much like to feel closer to you than I have ever felt before. I cannot pretend that all is OK and that I don't feel a separation from you when it is so painfully obvious.

I'm sure you must feel what it is that I am feeling, though like myself, you may find it difficult to express. I blame myself for much of what it is that we are going thru. As I was growing up all the way past college, I could never trust the wisdom that you were trying to impart to me. Unfortunately, I couldn't see the value in it or else I found it more interesting to play the game of life my way. Whatever the case, I didn't trust you, and as a result, I don't believe you could trust me either.

Something changed in me during my separation with my first wife, Bobbi. I did a lot of soul searching with my time alone. I felt as if I could finally trust the things that you were saying. That you knew more about life than I did. I was really hurting and wished I had had better sense than I did that would have kept me from making decisions (like marrying Bobbi for one) that had caused me such pain. I took about 30 years but finally I felt a closeness to you that I really never felt before. A closeness that came from being able to trust.

I also did a lot of praying during that time. I remember walking through the peach orchard one day and asking God "how do I love you? I know how to love my son, my home, my belongings, but how do I love something that I can't see or touch?" It was an honest question. I continued to go to the Methodist church because I felt that it was the right thing to do. Over time, however, I became a bit confused as to why people would sing hymns without any expression of emotion, or why the choir members wore robes, or why the minister spent more air time talking about the building fund more than of Jesus or God. Why couldn't I feel the desire and joy of serving on any of the variety of committees, why was the American flag in the corner (as if God prefers Americans)? In summary, it didn't make sense at all. None of it did. It wasn't honest. Case in point, how could I ever be more excited about Carolina winning a ball game than God giving me the opportunity for eternal life with him? What will a basketball game mean to me on my death bed? Although I felt more excited about the ball game, it didn't make sense as to why. How could I serve the Lord and feel this way at the same time. I had no examples in my life to go by that could show me a way out of this confusion.

During service one Sunday the minister gave an alter call for prayer. I desperately wanted to be closer to the Lord. I really felt a need for it. So I went up. However, when the minister came to me and asked if he could pray for me, I said no. Not because I didn't want prayer, but because I felt that he was not capable of getting in touch with God. For this man was in charge of all the confusion around me. He was giving it a home and a place to dwell. He was all for it. I didn't plan on denying his prayer for me. God must have put it in my heart. My answers to prayer were already on the way.

About 1 or 2 weeks later I met Ellen (my current wife in the Lord). I was not attracted to her in any way. At the time I was too busy playing host to a bunch of guests that showed up for a pig pickin'. However, Mom did spent time with her talking and getting to know her. Mom later told me to spend more time with Ellen. This was the only person I ever dated that my mother gave her personal "thumbs up".

It took a couple of weeks but I did finally call Ellen back and we went on a few dates. Our conversation always seemed to get to God. Not by her initiation but by mine. She was telling me things I had never heard before. And it all made perfect sense. Finally, God made sense to me. I heard about the holy ghost and of the power of God, and of speaking in tongues. This was all new to me. But it felt right. When I started hearing these truths, it excited me. I wanted to share them with you, but when I did, you discounted the things I was hearing as nonsense. I remember going up for prayer one time and the power of God came on me like I had never experienced before. My whole right forearm went curiously numb. All I could do is be amazed at the experience. When I told Doug about it, he said "that's not the power of God. What you experienced was something called conversion hysteria. That I had willed it to happen". Well what was I to say? I do know that after I took what he said in, I felt rotten. When I told Ellen about what Doug said, she said that I had just been robbed. That God had planted a seed of truth in me (by experiencing his power) and that it was plucked out of the ground and cast aside to die. Well who was I to believe? I had just gotten to the point where I could trust my parents in the things of life. I valued their relationship with God. But I also trusted Ellen, and the things she was telling me I saw very clearly. At that moment I realized that if I were to continue to grow in the Lord, I had to be fed by someone closer to God than myself. I realized that I had grown past my parents in the Lord and that I could not trust their understanding of who God is. I wanted to get closer to the Lord, to find out exactly who he is and what I should be. I would be robbed no more. I stuck close to the only people I knew who didn't make serving God a social event or some kind of conscience soothing mind game to be employed whenever or however one chose. People that were filled with the holy ghost as evidenced by speaking in tongues. People that lived holy lives and that loved God above all else; above themselves, their spouses, their own children, above the things of this world, etc.; people not ashamed to testify what God was doing in their lives. People that wanted to talk about God because that was the biggest thing in their lives. I could either trust them to bring me closer to the Lord, or my parents whom I never recall hearing a testimony about God, who have never told me about the holy ghost or the power of God, and who don't get together with others to have fellowship in the Lord. The choice of who to trust was obvious.

Everyone that is a member of God's family speaks in tongues, not just a few. It's a requirement. I didn't speak in tongues. To me it could only be something of a curiosity since I had never experienced it before. As time went on, God showed me things about my life, things in my heart that needed to change in order to grow closer to him. I noticed during my getting closer to Him, that I was feeling spiritually farther from those who were comfortable right where they felt they were with God. I soon realized that if those around me were not interested in growing closer to God and I was, that that spiritual gap had to be there and that it would get bigger over time as I got closer to the Lord. It is not my choice that my natural family and friends feel more distant from me. They can't help but feel more distant from me because I am more distant from them, spiritually. This would sound a bit self righteous to a sinner but to someone seeking God they may see me as a means of getting closer to God.

I know that the only difference between me and you is what God has done for me. I am nothing of myself. I would love for you to grow in the Lord along with me. If I had my way, we would be closer than ever, sharing testimonies and having fellowship in the Lord. I can only hope that my children will want the same things. What else would any sane person want? This is not to say that I'm a fanatic. I do many of the same things I've always done. The only difference is that I put God before all else. I still love to travel and work around the farm. I am very normal.

I tried to show you some of what I have learned about God by mailing my pastor's Broadcaster newsletter to you. You showed no interest at all. You also have shown little desire to better understand exactly what it is that I am involved with. Why? Aren't you concerned about why we don't feel close? Why things aren't the way they used to be? Don't you love me enough to see why I have changed? Don't you want to hear your son tell you of what God has done for him?

I finally received the holy ghost (as evidenced by speaking in tongues) on February 25, 1990. At that instant, I also became spiritually married to Ellen. We made it legal by the worlds standard three days later. There was no ceremony, no vows, no exchange of rings. What could we add to what God has already made perfect? You say that you were hurt by not being invited to the meeting that Wednesday night. To us, it was just another meeting. Nothing out of the ordinary other that pastor John saying that we became legally married. Yes there was rejoicing in the Lord. It would be unusual if we didn't in any one of our meetings. You have always had an open invitation to attend any of our meetings but have showed no interest. I understand that Doug's back would bother him to sit for awhile. But if he can sit through a Carolina sporting event he should do just fine. Getting up out of his chair to rest his back, even to lie down would not disrupt our meetings. I still would love for you to come to any of our meetings.

The last few times we have visited your house, all that was talked about was your travels, sports, life on the farm, etc. When we ever talked about God there was no fellowship. I think it sad that we have no fellowship in the one thing that will get us off this planet. Rather, Doug has gotten me off alone or with Ben to tell dirty jokes. I don't see the humor in making a joke out of adultery (latest joke) or any other form of sin. What is funny about sin? As I told Doug, "I'm not there". It was adultery that caused me so much pain when I was married to Bobbi and I find nothing remotely amusing about it. Mom, didn't you also feel the pain from it when you were married before? Why make light of it?

There is so much more that I've wanted to tell you but never felt led to do so. I want to feel close to you. It bothers me that I don't. This is why I'm writing this letter. I also want to feel closer to Ben. This is why I wrote him a similar letter to this one. I look forward to your response.

Love,
Bob
 

After I sent this letter to my mother (and a similar letter to my brother Ben), I did receive a heartbreaking answer from my brother. Here are the contents of it:

  Dear Bob:

Good to see you last night. I am not going to read the letter that you sent Mom because I believe that it is inappropriate for me to do so, as well as it being inappropriate for you to send it to me. I am also disappointed that you felt it necessary to send her a copy of the letter that you sent me. Any issues that stand between our relationship, whatever they may be, are between us and do not involve our mother or anyone else.

We have very different beliefs and practices when it comes to our faith in God, though Christian based, but our paths have taken us in different directions. That being so, it is not my place to judge how you choose to live your life, nor is it yours to judge mine. The tone and content of your letter is offensive to me. So long as you insist upon trying to force your personal beliefs into our conversations in a manner that appears to me, at least, to be one-sided and close-minded, we will have very little to discuss in the future. This is a painful position for me to take, but I see no other option. Relationships should exist based upon mutual respect and understanding. Unfortunately, they don't always work when one party or the other is only willing to see the world from one perspective. Unless we can talk to each other without trying to pry into deeply personal convictions at every meeting, it will be difficult for us to come together as family. If we can be willing to accept the fact that each of us has beliefs and convictions that are personal and private, then perhaps we can rebuild our relationship.

It is odd that in my relationships with friends who are deeply religious in their own beliefs, that we are able to enjoy each other's company and share our lives without the need to make the other feel uncomfortable. I wish this could be the case with us. You have a great family and I'd love to be able to see you more often. Perhaps with a little work, we can improve on the communication. At least you now know where I stand.

Your brother,
Ben

As you can imagine, receiving such a letter from my brother hurt. But what can I do or say? I have not done it - this is something God has done. And I will rejoice in it, for God is merely showing me who my real family is.

On the other hand, I sent the same type of letter, and the responses from Ben and others to my earthly father (my real father, not Doug who was mentioned in the letter to my mother). His response was quite different. It was an encouragement to me to read his thoughts:

Dear Bob:

Your letter was one of the most beautiful that I have ever read. The responses to it were some of the most closed minded. To briefly summarize what I had earlier written: Why should one hold his belief in God secret and private. Why do we only need God during hard times? Why can't God be discussed without everyone drawing sides and feeling offended?

As I grow older and lose close friends and relatives, I realize how unimportant worldly possessions and your social status are. Your last breath and these things are gone forever. Your spiritual values will remain with you forever.

I once felt that you were off on some cult following. Your letter does not imply that to be so. You express a desire to explore the words of Christ and accept them. You appear to have a peace of mind, a love of family and fellow man.

Jane (my father's wife now) and I observed Ben at dinner the other evening. He looked beat and complained of back pain. Yet, he talked of country club, Peggy shopping in NY, his friends in high places, worldly things, and never mentioned any relationship with God. He is on a path to self destruction. You looked great. I believe that you have found God and peace with the world. Don't you sometimes feel like climbing up on one of your big rocks and shouting to the world that you love God and wish that others would open their minds and hearts to him. Don't keep it private. Tell everyone that will listen.

Your analogy of Doug not being able to sit through a discussion of God, yet he would not hesitate to sit through a ball game, makes a strong point. I have lost faith in religion as interpreted by man, but I have not lost faith that there is a God.

I would welcome a chance to sit down on the hillside and share your feelings for God. There is a spiritual void in my life that needs filling. Time is running out. I have never held with the belief that man can live his life of sin and worldly pleasures until the last breath and suddenly turn to God and ask for forgiveness.

Thanks for sharing your letters. I shall hold them very private.

I love you very much. I am very proud of you.

Love,
Dad

As I walk in the light, I find that only then will the true spiritual condition of every person around me come to light. When the truth is confessed, the truth is revealed. That is why I feel it is so important for us to confess the truth when the Spirit leads us that way. For example, when we tell people that a person is born again when they receive the baptism of the holy Ghost (with the evidence of speaking in other tongues), and that there is no such thing as being converted without that experience, their response to that truth will indicate where they really are with God. And we can ONLY trust the Spirit to reveal their true condition to us, although it be hidden from men.

I hope that these letters to and from my earthly family have encouraged you to love the truth - the real one that comes with the power of the holy Ghost; and that you will learn who your REAL family is, just as I am. Thank God that he continues to lead me through this life. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to E-Mail me. I would love to hear from you.

With Christ's love to all;
Bob Payne, (Graham, North Carolina, 1998)