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God Healed My Heart!
My testimony begins back in March 2007. In the middle of March, I was straightening up the house and the spirit spoke to me and said, "Sit down. I have something that I want to tell you." I quickly sat down on the living room couch. The spirit then asked me a question, "Do you want to know when your baby is going to come?" I said, "Yes." It said, "January 3rd." Not only was I excited about having a baby, but I was thrilled that God spoke to me and gave me a date. A week later, I found out that I was not pregnant. I was not disappointed though because I knew that I would have to be pregnant the next month to go along with the date January 3rd. Waiting was a little hard, but then we found out the next month that I was pregnant. I went to the doctor and the due date that they gave me was December 28th. This was also sweet to me because Samuel and Samantha were both born one week late. Taylor, the kids, and I were very excited.
At the end of June, I went to the doctor for my second check up. I was looking forward to this check up because I knew that this was the appointment that I was going to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I remember calling Bess on the way there, and we talked about how amazing it is to hear that little heartbeat. When I was at the doctor’s office, the midwife could not find the heartbeat with the handheld instrument that they place on your stomach. She said that she would bring in the ultrasound machine and we would take a closer look. She looked for the heartbeat and could not find one. I remember having a hard time believing this and thinking, "But Jesus you promised me…you gave me a date." I also thought, "What were we going to tell Samuel and Samantha? How could they understand?" I remember praying, speaking in tongues, crying and shaking as I was left alone in the room. I called Taylor to come because they could not find a heartbeat. I sat there while they waited to put me on a second very large ultrasound machine and have another doctor come in for a second opinion. I remember saying, "Oh please God…" After I was moved to the new room and I was waiting on Taylor, I was still talking to God. Then the words came, "Baby or no baby, I am yours, God." I repeated that over and over. Taylor came and it was confirmed that there was not a heartbeat. The baby’s heart stopped at about 8 weeks and I thought that I was already 14 weeks along. They explained to me that perhaps there were chromosomal problems, but it was hard to really say why the heart stopped beating. I had the thought that if there was something wrong with the baby, then it was God’s mercy on us to take the baby. It was all very hard to take in, but I knew in my heart that God was right. Whatever He was doing, He was absolutely right.
After my appointment, we went straight away to see Pastor John and Barbara. Oh, the love that we felt from them! There was such comfort in their hugs and praying with them. At a time like this, it made me so thankful to have the Comforter. Jesus is the one that brings relief! I am also so thankful that we have John and Barbara in our lives, especially during a hard time like this. John said that we cannot know why things happen unless God shows us. That was good for me to hear because too often my mind would want to take over and try to answer the question, "Why?" I remember praying for an answer to why this was happening, and I knew that I wanted to learn everything that I was suppose to from this situation. John also said that God can change His mind about things if He wants to (there were examples in the Bible of this) because I was wondering why was it that God gave us the date January 3rd. John also helped us decide what would be best to tell Samuel and Samantha. This was a relief to me because I didn’t know how we were going to explain this to them. Another thing that crossed my mind during this time is how I have had blessing upon blessing since I have come into the Truth. I knew of the verse that says God will scourge every child that He loves. And, I knew that we need to be scourged to be saved in the end. After thinking upon these verses, in a way it was a blessing to be put through something. I knew that God was working. He was doing something.
Two days later, I had a D&C. I remember being nervous about this because I never had surgery before. The spirit said to me more than once, "I am going to take care of you." Before the surgery, I had two or three nurses say to me, "We are going to take good care of you." I knew that Jesus was with me.
That week seems to be a blur of days, but on one of those days I talked with Bess. I knew that she had been through the same thing years before. It was such a blessing to talk to Bess; I cannot tell you what that meant to me. After I told her of my experience at the doctor’s office, she was the first one that said, "Carrie, God is showing you your heart." Oh, how that made me cry, and it still does. As I was sitting there in that room by myself telling God, "Baby or no baby, I’m yours," God was showing me my heart. I am so thankful for this whole experience because it has shown me what is in my heart. And it is not me! It is what God has done for me that has made my heart want Him! Thank you, Jesus! Lately, when there have been so many strange things going on around us, for a second I might question God, "Am I doing okay?" and He takes me back to that experience. One of the other things that I remember telling Bess that day was this: part of my nature would be, "okay, let’s get pregnant again right away, get ‘back on track’, etc.". I remember praying that God would slow me down and let me want His timing, to be happy with what it is that He wants to do, not my own schedule or will but His. I also remember talking about how thankful I was to know that God is in control of everything. What do people do if they do not have Jesus to comfort them or they think that the devil is in control of the bad things around them? What a relief to know that God knows exactly what He is doing and that He is always right. What I remember more than what was said that day are the sweet feelings, the comfort and the love that I felt from Bess.
We felt such love from everyone during that time. That was something else that God was showing me…not only how much I love everyone but also how much everyone loved me! Betty printed me pictures of John hugging Samuel and me. Those moments were very special to me and she had captured them with her camera. That same night Elijah played a song, "I’ll Heal You", that he had written for us. The words in that song went very deep into my heart. It is hard to put into words. We played that song all the next day in the house. I know that there was healing in that song that Elijah wrote.
Since June, I have been learning more and more. I feel that God has answered my prayer about wanting His timing. I do not feel the anxiousness that I felt in June of wanting to have a baby right away, although I do hope that God will bless us with one. What it has shown me, also through the lives of Becky Lee and Sheila Durham, is to appreciate everything that God has given me. Samuel and Samantha seem more precious to me now more than ever. I am so thankful for my two healthy children that He has given me, and that I am healthy and can take care of them. It has also made me feel compassion for people that lose a baby or child, no matter what the child's age is. I cannot imagine what that must be like to lose a child after it is born. Another thing that I have learned is that Jesus will often use the thing that you might fear the most and show you that with him you can handle it. God has made me a mother; He knew that a child would be something that would be close to my heart. We lost a baby, and at times it still hurts, but I know that He is getting me through it. Praise God!
I have also learned so much from Pastor John’s study on the wise and foolish virgins. When I first heard the message, it went straight into my heart. John was telling us how Jesus can change his mind at any time (as he did with the virgins about when he would return) and what Jesus was looking for was the response when he did change his mind. What is your attitude when God changes His mind about something? Do you act as a humble slave or do you have the wrong attitude? I want to be like the wise virgin and keep the right attitude when God changes His mind. I want to do His will and stay happy all the while.
I pray that God will show me more about this whole experience if there is more for me to learn. I am also curious about the date January 3rd. Does Jesus have something else planned for us on that day? Only God knows. In the mean time I want to stay happy and thankful and do His will everyday.
PS. Since this happened, God has blessed our family with a beautiful baby boy.
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